Fluttering

Religious people would define it as God, superstitious people as fate, secular people as a mere coincidence. I have not yet decided which side I’m leaning towards, but I sure as hell rejoice at any of these definitions just for putting me in these situations making me reflecting on the laws of the universe. I guess getting older, accumulating experiences and in some cases really feel good about the choices you’ve made, the position you’re currently in, just makes you feel like there’s some intent and purpose with all of it, everything you’ve done, every person you’ve met, every time you went up and every time you been down. Purpose, or intention in life, is what most people also equals with value. Except for the extreme cynics today’s society creates where Richard Dawkins dictatorially can decide what is real and what is not. The ever changing subjectivity of what is real is in that case completely uninteresting. Though it is that which actually defines people, separates one person from the other, making something unique and potentially a God in person.

I am also a purpose- and intent-seeker, we all are in one way or other. There’s money, family, love and freedom to be found at the end of the rainbow. There’s people who depend on us, and things need to be done – by us.
Content. We search for content, the meaning. But none ever questions the meaning of meaning. The meaning of meaning must be the prior goal to chase – why this obsession with giving content heightened meaning in itself?

“The most important thing in life is style. That is, the style of one’s existence — the characteristic mode of one’s actions — is basically, ultimately what matters. For if man defines himself by doing, then style is doubly definitive, because style describes the doing. The point is this, Happiness is a learned condition. And since it is learned and self-generating, it does not depend upon external circumstances for its perpetuation. This throws a very ironic light on content. And underscores the primacy of style. It is content, or rather the consciousness of content, that fills the void. But the mere presence of content is not enough. It is style that gives content the capacity to absorb us, to move us; it is style that makes us care.” (Tom Robbins, Another Roadside Attraction, 1971.)

So while in Edinburgh I met a musician, out on a tour with his band, (The brilliant Story Books – check them out, dark and beautiful post-indie.) living the typical tour life with too much beer and too little sleep. Lots of going on, constantly moving. With a bottle of red wine in one hand and some Rival Sons on the vans stereo (this thing about drinking/driving loose laws around the world, strange) I ended up preaching to him though. I guess its the Artists typical view of life – the extremes. He said something about always wanting to live out on the extremes, either too much or too little. Or constantly too much of all opposites. Or walking up and down the lanes of opposites. Moving mentally and emotionally back and forth. That THAT is what life’s about – the real emotions, to indulge in all of them. But really, isn’t this what all people do? Emotionally fluttering, in constant worry and insecurity – not being able to enjoy the present cause we know it’s soon to be over? Light depression, light happiness, having too much or not enough fun all the time? Like, even if we’re enjoying, we still have the feeling it’s not enough? Right now it’s good – but then it won’t be any more. And this fear puts us in a constant emotional roller coaster. As another friend of mine said the other day; That I can so love and loath exactly the same things but on different days.
To my point; shouldn’t we strive for the balance? The real piece of work would be to find a complete state of wholeness within yourself and everyone and everything. That it is not about content any more, that it’s about style. That it’s about how you do things, how you approach living, dying and loss and not about what you do? To stop questioning and let life in its full power run you over and have its way with you, whether its according to your plan or not? But being able to actually accept and welcome these changes, even if its according to a western conceptual value a “bad” thing, or “for the worse”. That balance, that acceptance of everything that’s different from you values and your point of view should be sought after, not the extremes, not the fluttering. The peace.

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