Split ends and untied knots

It has been a strange holiday season. Spent most of my time working, laying sleepless, considering life in general and the great mystery of monetary influence over the concept of freedom. I don’t want a job, but I like to work. I would like to work for a living and cut out the alienating job with a monetary salary sacrificing my time and freedom. I am very excited that I will have the chance to live in a sustainable eco village in the Mexican mountains and actually contribute to that kind of society with my direct presence, with the small skills I have as a person. I am certainly not sure it will be ideal or that I will love it or if they will love me or if it’s anything like I imagine it to be, but it’s an experience I long for which will enhance my understanding of what I’m actually looking for. I’m rather drawn by the extremes right now; a part of me just want to withdraw from all ambition and society and settle for day-to-day life on a farm, another part of me is screaming for London, working as a waitress in Ronnie Scotts Jazz Club, or really wherever, just to be in London would flip me out. While I’m still putting together my application and found some other PhD positions within very interesting fields I can apply for. I guess in the end I can do them all, I really don’t have to choose between them, do I? I have at previous times been far more dogmatic about my future, sticking to the academy was the safest path to make sure I didn’t end up mother of three, divorced, still pouring coffee for ungrateful Danish at minimum weigh, having confirmed that security and conformity eventually grabs hold of us all, just like they said it would. But putting all my marks on the academy card is probably not a safer bet than jumping from game to game, spend a little, win a little, and in the end; many creeks become a river, as we put it in Swedish! Yesterday I was again talking India to some friends who’d also been there, and how the though of going back constantly lingers in ones mind. My initial response was to start pushing them to go, go now, just go, no buts and what ifs, action! Realising I’m the hypocrite among us, waited with my travels until I was done in school, done with pets, done with relationships, travelling at a time in my life where I have absolutely nothing that I leave behind, except for an apartment looked after by a trustful brother. I don’t risk anything by travelling right now, hence I do it. Would I have left a PhD opportunity? Would I book a ticket by myself having some sort of partner around? I’m really not sure. You hear of people uprooting themselves from family, work, society to become a nomad, but to do that, you actually need to have something to uproot from. I can never free myself from something I’m not bound to, hence I really don’t know if this life style or any other life style would be the one I’d uproot to, had I actually anything worth clinging on to.

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